rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
