like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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