She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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