420 ftw
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
