Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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