apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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