we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
