Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
