Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
