Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
