I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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