Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
