Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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