i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
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