That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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