i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
