Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
