Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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