I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My room smells like vodka and shame
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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