i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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