i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
