addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I looked at my own cervix.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Panties = found
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
