my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
