Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
