I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
