so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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