I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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