VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
