As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
