I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
