he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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