I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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