my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
