I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
