she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
