It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
