You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
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You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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