Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
