we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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