all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
