I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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