Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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