So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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