she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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