saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
