I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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