I wish i was in the wii world.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
