I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
