Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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