just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
