We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
