I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
