that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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