I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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