I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
