those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
