if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
