he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
