sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
