you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
