is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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